A scientist in Kingfisher County recently discovered a portal to an parallel universe in the freezer at the Christian Cheese factory. For several weeks, employees noticed that Christian Cheese had been disappearing from the freezer, seemingly out of thin air.
“I checked the security cameras and reinforced the perimeter and didn’t see anything unusual,” the security chief mastiff Jezebel informed me in her office, “and there wasn’t any kind of mistake in the record books.”
I asked Jezebel if it was possible the mysterious ape man could be responsible for the missing cheese.
“I don’t want to hear anymore about that mysterious ape man,” Jezebel said, “do you know how many calls I’ve had to answer from the cows in the middle of the night about that ape man? Every single time, it was a cow scared by her own shadow. Every single time. No more about the ape man.”
I thanked Jezebel for her time and left her office. Later that night I received a call from one of my anonymous leads that a man wearing a grass skirt and playing a wooden piccolo had been caught wandering outside the Christian Cheese plant. I grabbed my tape-recorder and notebook and ran out to the Christian Cheese plant, only to find a disgruntled Jezebel alone.
“Yeah, there was a man out here,” she told me, “He spoke a language I never heard of, and smelled of Jalapeno cheddar cheese. When I barked at him he ran into the freezer and disappeared. Just like that.”
The scientist Melville Sykes came from a nearby university to investigate the strange phenomenon. He went into the freezer and disappeared. Expectant Kingfisher citizens pitched tents outside the factory with thermoses of hot chocolate. Christian Cheese employees passed out cowboy cheddar to visitors and waited for the scientist’s return.
Melville Sykes reappeared in the freezer nine hours later wearing a stately crown made out of tree bark and holding a scepter made out of Christian Cheese.
“Yep,” Melville Sykes said, “Looks like you got a portal in there. Standard quantum physics, really. The dimensions of space time were warped to create a relativistic time dilation that opened up a parallel universe. Happens all the time.” Sykes held up the scepter made out of Christian Cheese. “Oh, and they made me king.”
Tags: Christian Cheese, Weird
April 17, 2010 at 10:28 am |
[...] the curds. Why, I even visited the factory when my colleague from the university found that portal to another alternate dimension in the freezer. But I would never break into the store in the middle of the night to steal cheese. [...]